My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
me as a parent
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
BETRAYAL
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog