Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?