girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Dead sexy!!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
This week’s mood.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
early stone age tool
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.