Dead sexy!!
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick