I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Lol.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
the best thing i’ve ever made
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.