20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You Might Also Like
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
You’re the water to my grease fire.