If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
You Might Also Like
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
some Old Testament wisdom
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.