me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s