Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
he’s doing your taxes
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5