Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
is this a threat