Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
You Might Also Like
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”