Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]