olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit