If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I think this cat is broken
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.