What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
ouch
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.