This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.