This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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Why soy sad?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Yup
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.