wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
translated into Canadian
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Basically.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows