Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are