don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I drew y’all a little something.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
look at me when i’m typing to you
Oh. My. God.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.