don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Ironic
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.