Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Mhm.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.