People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.