[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]