Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I put the p in pants.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?