It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it