Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.