I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You Might Also Like
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.