I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
A Short Story.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.