I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.