Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.