My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*