My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
me after eating Cheetos
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks