[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
You Might Also Like
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
mentally somewhere in italy
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The two types of wives
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs