I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
when nothing goes right… go left
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
181.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me