I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Challenge accepted.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.