me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Unexpected Judgment
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine