No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
True?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”