[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Phones down.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I gave up going to work for lent.