[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.