A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My plans: 2020:
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.