I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
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@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
screw you
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Go girl power!