Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
hey, alexa
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!