Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Breaking news:
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Y’all know who you are.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.