Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
😬
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.