Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy