I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You Might Also Like
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
the noise i just made
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
That’s enough internet for the day
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.