Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it