-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?