i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My wedding will be open casket.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms