“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me hitting on a model
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
shit just got real