Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Think I pulled my liver
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.