my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
The Assassin.
me refusing to leave twitter
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.