Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
You Might Also Like
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.