[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Oh my god
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The Friday File.
I will never stop laughing at this
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”