Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I鈥檓 not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they鈥檝e not given me permission to.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I鈥檓 just happy that this isolation hasn鈥檛 really changed me as a person, you know?
WTF IS THAT!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it鈥檚 a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 馃様
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn鈥檛 send for ages and now you鈥檝e said something sooo odd out of context
if you have a roomba but don鈥檛 dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing