Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal