Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I bet birds love this building.
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Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
🙋♀️
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this![]()
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me linking you to my twitter
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.